Humans have allegedly had many distant cousins, including sea squirts, salps, and vetulicolians.
These latter creatures did not have to worry about nuclear bombs, global warming, or ebola.
It was a peaceful and innocent time.
Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, the Kardashians, and terrorists weren't around yet.
Scientists have recently added vetulicolians to the list of human cousins.
These figure-eight shaped creatures had something like a backbone.
Scientists then make the hyperbolic leap to connect these primitive life forms to humans, calling them our cousins.
Monkeys and vetulicolians aren't my cousins.
I don't have any proof or logic for my assertions.
I suppose that they are a sign of my own vanity and pride.
Just because I don't want something to be true doesn't erase the veracity.
But it strains my imagination and reason to call creatures 500 million years old my cousins.
For Heaven's sake they haven't even climbed onto or out of trees yet.
Give them some time to grow and evolve; let them swing from the trees before you call them human cousins.
Let them have that first drink.
Let them grow up and grow a pair.
(You can interpret this for either the male or female.)
When scientists call these primitive creatures our cousins, they demean and discredit God.
They need to stop doing this.
IT'S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES AND OIL!